Thank You For The Almost Relationship

You’re my “the one that got away,” even if we never were together.

You’re my “prince on a white horse,” even if I never was your damsel in distress.

You’re my ideal of “the one”, even if we never officially dated.

And you’re the best 8-month relationship I ever had, even if there was no label.

Almost relationships nowadays have been a prominent trend. Every article I see on my Newsfeed talks about how hurting ‘almost relationships’ are. I’ve even read articles on how to survive them, how to get away with them, and/or why you should prepare to walk away.

While most girls curse themselves for ever falling for a man who isn’t sure of them, here I am, writing this open letter because I thank you for ever existing in my life. I thank you for giving me an idea of what I should consider for my next relationship. And that’s to never settle for less.

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You were different. You were amazing. And I hope every girl out there experience what it’s like dating a man like you – officially or unofficially.

Almost relationships occur when a man is unsure about a girl and wants to play around, is trying to weigh in his and the girl’s compatibility or is just looking for another woman he can bang (and she may be the side chick). Sometimes, they ghost the girl or breadcrumbs her just because they fear the idea of having a confrontation along the way. Instead of manning up and being courageous to face the deal, they’d rather leave the girl hanging to avoid leading her on.

I have to admit, I had been a victim of ghosting for so many times. And being single for almost four years experiencing this kind of situation is never a joke. It’s a trembling occurrence; something I would never consider feeling. Until being in an almost relationship with you.

For someone who has been accustomed to her independence and strength – with a mindset of “I can move out alone,” “I am happier eating at local restaurants alone,” “I am strong. I believe I can do things alone with God,” having someone who would make her feel like, “Hey, I’m here. If you need help, just call me. I’m always here. I know you love being alone, but I also believe that sometimes, Superman needs his Jimmy, and Wonder Woman needs her Etta” is the best, most wonderful, new experience a strong, independent woman would (always) refuse but crave.

A typical ghosting man would stereotypically be assumed as a fuckboy, especially if he’s been replacing girls week after week. But if the man you’re dating is someone you can rely on, who makes an effort, who carefully listens to what your mind and heart speak and accepts you for you, wait for him. Wait until he’s ready, or you’re both ready – not just because you feel lonely so you’d rush him to check the label.

I am saying this because I lost the man I could have seen my future with. As a career-woman, I’ve never thought of ever getting married in my entire life. But I often thought he could have been the exception. I lost the guy I ever imagined myself playing along with two kids on our backyards and on Picnic parks because I was too impatient. I didn’t wait for him despite knowing his busy schedules and kept ignoring his texts and efforts just because I don’t feel ‘comfortable’ being with him at first.

… Until he did the same thing.

I lost the guy who would watch How I Met Your Mother, We Bare Bears, and Spongebob Squarepants with me on boring afternoons while cooking for me. I lost the man who was willing to make an effort just because I feared commitment; that every time he was willing to make a move, I flinched.

I lost the man I love just because I was the girl who would consider entertaining other men; with a mindset of keeping a lot of guys so she could “balance” her feelings and not fall hard for one as she easily does (believing men are all the same and he’s no exception). And, I also lost the ‘love’ I felt for the first time again after the guy who never treated me right on the first place (just because I was anxious, stupid, impatient, and knows he was just there).

I know “sorry” isn’t and will never be enough to have things back. And “readiness” alone would never be an excuse. But let me tell you something, I am indeed sorry.

“Dear G,

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this but until now, I still feel anxious if it’s just me who sees ‘this’ perspective or you’re just playing me since day one. Blame my trust issues, separation anxieties and depressive mind, but I still hope that what I’ve written here is true nonetheless of my over-thoughts.

All my life I believed everyone’s going to just let me down, and only I have myself for backup. Now that you’ve given up and chose not to talk to me anymore, I regret every inch of rejection I gave you when you were willing. It hurts so bad that I want to stab every cold-hearted person like me out there to thaw their hearts under the beam of the sunlight; until they feel the same type of vulnerability I’m currently feeling right now before it’s too late for them.

I am always afraid of being let down that’s why I easily give things up. I can feel there are a lot of things to prioritize, because we have our own lives and dreams. I don’t know what other things you’re busy with right now, but I wish you the best in life. And now, I think what we are on is actually for the best.

You know what? You’re one of the most amazing man I have ever met in my entire life; the type of guy every woman out there would want to marry and be the father of their children. You are so loving; so worth it that I hope I hadn’t rushed my love life several years ago if only I knew I would meet you. You are so worth it that every day, I wish I had waited for this kind of love to come to my life, but I hadn’t. Well, everything happens for a reason.

I am saying this because despite wanting to be independent, I am still human. I also feel. And I feel so much for you. I want you. I love you. And if only I have the courage to ask you if you still want us to be together someday – just like how you did on our first months – I would say, “Yes.”  I hope you’ll answer me the same.

To be honest, I never pictured myself being with somebody else after my last heartbreak roughly 3-4 years ago. And ever since I was a child, I never considered getting married either. But because of you my mind has changed. I thought the only nice person in the world is my father, and the rest are bad guys just like what I see on TV. That is, until I met you.

I never learned, or wanted to learn how to cook for someone or anyone, but you suddenly gave me the enthusiasm and passion of wanting to do things for a person. If only I could shout at the top of my lungs saying “I love you so much it hurts so badly,” I know l can’t bear.  Because deep inside I hate the fact that I cringe every time I daydream of having to confess.

I settled with different arrangements – including this – just because I want to keep my independence and to feel human. I rushed love so much that I missed all the chance in the world of actually enjoying it with you.  I rushed love so much that I missed knowing what it really feels like. And now that it’s there, I lost you. And every chance of telling you how much I love you and how much you mean the world to me, which I never really did.

I hope the reason why you stopped talking to me wasn’t because you were tired of not being reciprocated – though I know that’s one thing. I hope you didn’t realize I am not your “the one.” I hope there’s a reason behind why because I’m willing to rotate and alter things for you if God and fate gives us a second chance. I would wholeheartedly do things for you, knowing that’s not me and will never be me.

People get tired, I know. So, I’m sorry I felt scared. I’m sorry I always cringed. I’m sorry I always change subjects whenever you want to try to talk about us. Love is a scary rollercoaster ride I know, but you made me realize I’m just afraid to admit how much I’m scared to take that risk. Maybe that’s the reason why we stopped talking. I can’t compromise. I’m too afraid to risk. You’ve been fed up and you’ve had enough. But I still thank you for shaking the ground to the point of letting me feel what it’s like to fall for a person again.

You’re my “the one that got away,” even if we never were together. You’re my “prince on a white horse,” even if I never was your damsel in distress. You’re my ideal of “the one”, even if we never officially dated. And you’re the best 8-month relationship I ever had, even if there was no label. I love you so much but I think we met at the wrong time. I think you also feel the same way too. What hurts the most is having the right person at this phase, especially if there never will be closure.

I was strong. I was tough. I got accustomed to my independence. But here I am, writing this open note, telling the world how much I’m sorry because I honestly loved being alone with you. You make me want to change. You make me want to open my heart again in due time. And you showed me a standard of what I should settle with in the event I become truly, and not “settling-ly” ready. Thank you, love. Thank you.

I won’t wait anymore. I’d take my time alone and fix myself for the better. I was ready at first, but when you suddenly changed your mind amidst my consequent, repeating mistakes, I realized a bunch of things: I should change. No, it’s not alone your fault because we were both unready. I just want to be genuinely happy with my own company and enjoy my life just like what you told me.”

I want to show women doing the same thing what they’re missing. Open up your hearts! Because let’s face it: every goddamned strong and independent woman also wants to love and be loved. We are all humans, and to feel despite wanting to have our shit together isn’t a mistake. I just happened to pick the wrong option when I had one. Now that you see the consequences through me, I hope you won’t do the same thing.

It’s amazing how we meet someone after a toxic relationship who would show us our worth. When you meet that guy, don’t ever let him go. Because in today’s generation when relationships aren’t easy and boys aren’t committed, there would always be that one guy who’s willing to give you another option; someone who’s willing to swim oceans for you despite settling with the current trend.

Never push that love away because of your anxiety. Learn to ask, move on from the past, and have the patience to wait for what you deserve. Because being loved by the person you love the most is the most wonderful thing in the world. Too bad he’s not for me, and it’s not the love I thought it was. It’s the love that never was.